It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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