The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
