Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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