i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
