God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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