The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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