i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
