yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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