I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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