And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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