just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
