fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I think I am morally bankrupt
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
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