I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize