Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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