i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
