How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
