oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
