im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
