My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize