we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize