God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
