I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
