She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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