Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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