You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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