Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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