My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
