Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
