My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
