I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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