Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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