my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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