I just gift wrapped bread.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
