I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
