Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
