My Higher Power is John Stamos
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
