so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
