Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
