Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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