you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
