well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
