Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
