It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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