dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
