I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
