where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
