addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
