Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
