There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
