The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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