I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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