even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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