i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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