I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
