JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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