Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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