he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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