Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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