It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
