I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
