Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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