If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
