So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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