I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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