It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He shit in the fireplace
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
