It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
